Alien Teen Girl Blog :/

Sometimes I feel like I am the only person who feels the way I do. Like I live on some kind of alien planet where I am the only person, staring back at the Earth, wishing I could be truly a part of it. Everyone around me keeps telling me to give myself grace. To be honest, this year has been my own personal hellscape, but it seems impossible to give myself time to heal.

Last July I got my last vaccine for college. It set off this weird chain reaction in my immune system, and mono got “drawn out,” and I started having very weird symptoms. I thought it was an allergic reaction, spleen issues, etc. I went to endless ERs and they found nothing. Everything seemed fine. After endless pleading, I got bloodwork done, and it turns out the mono turned into an autoimmune issue, but we are still unsure if it is a disease or just my rare antibody attacking my own immune system. I have good days and very bad days, but the unknown about my own body is very scary. I haven’t felt safe in my own body in a very long time.

On top of this, my grandmother passed away after a long fight with brain cancer. My Mom Mom was the sweetest lady, always with a smile and words of encouragement in my corner. Three weeks after my grandmother’s funeral, my best friend died. She died from a suicide attempt. I went to see her a few days before she passed. She was bald and couldn’t speak, sweaty from a fever and puffy. Every time I close my eyes, I see her body laying in that hospital room, and I weirdly miss that hospital room because at least she was alive. At least I could give her a hug and tell her how much I love her. I miss my Layla, I miss my Mom Mom, I miss myself.

Every time my entire body aches, my anxiety bubbles to the top, my panic takes over my body, and my tears fall. I fall deeper into the hole — the hole of loneliness and isolation. The hole that I fear I will never get out of. I tend to feel helpless to my mental and physical problems, and I truly wonder what the point of everything is. But in the quiet moments, I remember the times where my body didn’t ache and the sun hit my skin, where love wrapped around my body. I remember the faces of those I helped and the hugs they gave. I remember feeling fulfilled. I might not have the energy I once had, or the smile or the laughter, but I have my heart. I still want to make people happy. I still want to try.

So even if I don’t know why this is happening right now, I know this isn’t my end. This is only the beginning. Maybe in a few years I will look back at this blog and laugh, or even cry. Understanding this year of my life is only a part. My future is bright even if this time is dark.

Dear future me, start being gentle on yourself. It’s not as easy as we  make it look.